3/26/2013

It has been months since my last blog. It's funny that I have the capability to hold so many thoughts and emotions in and then feel this sense of being so overwhelmed with life that I want to rip my skin off. And when I have a moment to sit down and reflect and think about things that I could write about, it goes blank. Life is so complicated and busy and full of stupid shit that no one should have to worry about. But I guess that's why LIFE is a four letter word.

I had asked this past Christmas for a voice recorder. I thought, instead of having to sit down and type my thoughts I could just talk into the recorder and type it out later. I have moments in the car, in the shower, folding laundry, where I think "Wow, that would be great to write about." The first time I talked into the recorder and played it back, my voice sounded so tired and strained, I couldn't even listen to it.  All I could do was cry. I couldn't even listen to the whole thing. Needless to say, I deleted it and haven't used it since. It is so hard to relive a moment, good or bad  and then to write about it is even harder.

A small part of me stopped blogging because I had some negative feedback on one of my blogs and a bigger part of me stop blogging because I just don't have the time. I have gotten lost in everyone else and have forgotten about myself. Going back to work has been a challenge. It's a great place to be with great people but they holler my name all day long. They depend heavily on me but yet I have no authority to make decisions to move forward and make improvements.  Its partly my fault for trying to advance their technology and get them up to speed with every other dental office on the planet. Why can't I just be a spoke in the wheel or a clock puncher, like most people. No, I have to work my tail off to make a difference in the world and make people better, more efficient and more productive. The upside is I get paid to hear my name called and I know I can help them.

I get home and its the same scenario but no compensation. Most days, I feel like I don't have two seconds to myself to do anything for me. And if I do have a moment to relax, I feel like I have to be on standby. Someone always needs something. Don't get me wrong, I have signed up for this as a wife and mother and I get that, have no problem with that and love every moment of it. It's just overwhelming sometimes.

In the past weeks, I have had the opportunity to get more personal with a fellow co-worker. She is someone that for the past 7 months, I just quite couldn't figure out. I wasn't sure if she liked me or hated my guts. Her witty sarcasm is tough to read most days. But I love that about her because most people take me the wrong way too on a first impression.  I shared my blog with her, which is something I have only done with a few select coworkers. Another superstar employee brought it up in conversation over drinks, naturally. A few days later she sent me a message that was so thoughtful, empathetic and inspirational that I haven't stopped thinking about it. In a few words, she gave me the okay to write again and not worry about what other people thought. I believe her words were 'It's your blog, say whatever the f@%# who want!' Pretty sure that was the second glass of wine talking.

Sometimes an occasional invitation will come about to go hang out with people outside of my immediate family and I instantly feel guilty.  I feel guilty for a couple of reasons. I feel guilty if I say no and I feel guilty for not being home and taking care of everyone, cooking their dinner, doing their laundry, paying the bills, washing the cars, cleaning the house, feeding the hogs, okay I'm exaggerating and we don't have hogs. Most of that can wait, actually all of that can wait. It's a different dynamic now and if I don't do it,  it doesn't get done. The biggest reason that I don't like going out and hanging with people is I don't want it to be about my "sob story" and what's going on with me. That's no fun. And in all actuality, I don't have a sob story anymore, life is as good as it can be. Most of it I wouldn't change and most of it I don't regret.

I know many people want me to finish my previous stories and give them closure for that chapter, but in reality there is no closure yet. I don't think there ever will be closure. Every day is like opening a new chapter that never really ends, ever. If someone could just put a time stamp on this and say this will be the day and you will live happily ever after, I could deal with that. Even if its fifty years down the road. Every step forward has two steps back. That's a popular saying for a reason. And so is "Life is like a fairy tale". If that were the case we would all be wearing glass slippers riding around in pumpkin carriages.

Matthew has moved out and possibly moving even further away for a job opportunity, Morgan is almost a senior and will be heading off to college very soon. Scott is continually healing with a few hiccups here and there. Another race season has already started and  I wonder what that next chapter will be. I mentioned earlier about the mid-life crisis, before I was just saying it, now I think it's really happening!!

I've had an incredible urge to visit the Florida Keys. I'm not sure why, maybe the sun and warm weather. Or maybe just because I really need a vacation. Then I discovered during my vacation planning that Ernest Hemingway had a small modest home there where he wrote some of his greatest pieces of literature.

Maybe that's my next chapter.