12/13/12- I received my first negative comment tonight on my blog. It really shocks me that someone could be so thoughtless and ignorant to think that they have ANY clue on what happens in my life. The joy of living in the free world is you don't have to read, listen or look at anything that you don't want to. The whole purpose of my blog was to try and release emotions and feelings that I was going through. NO one else. I am sorry if I offended anyone but on the other hand, don't follow me on Twitter, don't be my friend on Facebook and don't read my blog. Block me, ignore me, delete me..but don't judge me. And no, I personally do not suffer from Chronic pain and hope that I never do. But what I do suffer from is watching my best friend, the love of my life, my husband and the father of my children suffer day in and day out. For 459 days now, so don't tell me that I do not know what it's like. There is no pill, no therapy, no surgery that will take away the pain that my children and I feel right along with him.

Tomorrow will mark the one year anniversary of my husband's first hot shower since his accident. 95 days without one. 95 days of being in a hospital bed and getting a sponge bath once or twice a week. His race shop's Christmas party last year was a good reason to do something about that. He really wanted to go and so did I. Going to the grocery store was an outlet for me, so going out and celebrating something, anything was something to look forward to. Waiting for the insurance company to approve home renovations was like waiting for Hell to freeze over. That's a whole other blog in itself.

I made several phone calls and several trips to local hotels to see if we could get him into a shower before his Christmas party. Its really pathetic that most national chain hotels are not wheelchair accessible. They claim to be handicap accessible but that usually means a few hand rails in the bathroom. I found a hotel that I thought would work, took my tape measure and tried to map out the situation in my head.  I was nervous about the whole thing, we had practiced several times at the rehabilation center but there was always an Occupational Therapist either in the bathroom with us or close nearby. This would be my first time, alone, helping him shower. Luckily, the PICC line was out at this time and after six weeks of administering IV antibiotics every six hours, on the hour, I was ready to get rid of that.  But I still had to check and double check my list. Did I have enough plastic wrap, did I have enough tape, did I have enough wound dressings, did I have all of his toiletries, did I have enough towels? Did I have enough of everything to accomplish this task without having to run back home and leave him alone?  It was just him and I.

I am sure he will attest to the fact that it was the most amazing shower he had had in his entire life. Once settled in the hot water, I shut the door and let him be alone. I think he was in there for a good 30 minutes. I paced the hotel room for the entire time he was in there with one hand on my phone, just in case I needed backup. Asking him every 30 seconds if he was okay. After his shower, we laid together on the king size bed. Also, a first in 95 days. I had gotten used to sleeping in a chair next to his hospital bed or on the couch in the next room.

The task at hand was accomplished with no major snafus. We took off to the party and had a pretty good time. It was an emotional Christmas party. It was the first time most people had seen Scott since his accident. Although we didn't stay long, it was one of the best nights of my life. We spent the next six weeks doing the same routine, every Friday night minus the party. Booking a hotel room and getting that priceless hot shower and the even more priceless time of laying together in the same bed, even if it was only for a few minutes.

Tomorrow night is the race shop's Christmas party, but this year we get to shower in our house. No worries of whether or not I packed everything, no worries of how we are going to get ready. It's going to be a really good time, I think. The best thing about my family, is no matter how much we are suffering on the inside, emotional or physical, we can put a smile on our face, have an amazing time and most importantly move forward. We can enjoy ourselves and the blessings we have been given. 

I hope that this blog doesn't offend anyone. Everyone has their own problems, their own issues and their own demons. When I say certain things, I am not criticizing anyone and I expect to not be criticized by others either. This is my life, my husband's life and my children's life. Maybe my Dad was right. I should stop blogging and write my book. Then haters would have another option, they would have to buy the book to read the book.

So do me a favor, if you don't like what I say, simply ignore me.

12/5/12- Chronic pain: Tens of millions of Americans suffer from chronic pain everyday. With chronic pain, signals of pain remain active in the nervous system for weeks, months, or even years. This can take both a physical and emotional toll on a person. The emotional toll of chronic pain also can make pain worse. Anxiety, stress, depression, anger, and fatigue interact in complex ways with chronic pain and may decrease the body's production of natural painkillers; moreover, such negative feelings may increase the level of substances that amplify sensations of pain, causing a vicious cycle of pain for the person. Even the body's most basic defenses may be compromised.

I decided tonight to research chronic pain. I need to educate myself on how to deal with living with a person who suffers from chronic pain. I need to figure out a way to get him to forget about his chronic pain. I am a true believer in "Mind over Matter" and I know that he is too. He is actually the reason why I believe that you can talk yourself into to being sick, you can talk yourself into being hurt, you can talk yourself into anything. Although in his defense, the "Mind over Matter" theory can only last for so long. At some point, based on the research, your mind will take over.

The most difficult part of my research was realizing that there is not alot of suggestions for the family members of those dealing with chronic pain. Maybe I didn't look at it deep enough. My sister suggested therapy. We have tried that, or at least Scott has. Therapy is supposed to help you, not make you feel worse and in my opinion, any good therapist would work on the family as a unit and give every one coping skills while at the same time healing the patient. The therapist that was chosen for us, not by us, has apparantely failed. It's tough when you have people who dictate your needs or should I say, dictate which doctor you can see. I should have spent more time researching therapists, perhaps. That is now at the top of my list. And at this point, I don't care if I have to pay for it myself. After all, that's why I went back to work, to take care of my family.

Scott has lived for 15 months with pain. It never really hit me until I read his Facebook. His post was:     " is sick of living my life in pain!!!Get one issue fixed and another one shows up!!FML".

My heart broke into a million pieces. The worst part was I didn't know he had said that until Erin texted me tonight and asked me what was wrong. I was trying to drive home from work and to be honest, I was doing the mortal sin: I was Facebooking and texting while driving!!

We had an appointment today with the plastic surgeon and I think maybe we were hoping he would say he could fix everything and he basically said no one could fix it. No one can fix the vascular issue. No one can fix the nerve issue and no one can make his "good" leg like it was before. And I just wanna shout at the top of my lungs. Are they serious? They put donor faces on people these days and yet they cannot put a few nerves and veins back together? I don't get it. My biggest struggle is I can't fix this. There is only one thing that I cannot fix and this is it. The fighter in me will fix this. Some way, some how. I lose sleep over it.

I was glad to see so many people support him and try to give words of encouragement. I try to remind myself that everyone has their own problems and their own issues. Several of his Facebook friends are dealing with their own chronic pain issues and offered suggestions. I know for myself, I love (begrudgingly so) to hear of other people's problems. It gives me a few moments to forget about my problems and concentrate on something else.

Some days, I think that no one on this planet has any idea what we go through as a family and then I slap myself upside the head and remember that I am one lucky girl...