4/26/13-Just when I thought I was ready for this, I realized I was no where near being ready for any of it. We had a follow up appointment on Monday with the orthopaedic surgeon. It was odd that it was rescheduled from the 11th til that day. (that number 11 is also on my shoulder) But in all reality it turned out to be a blessing in disguise. We had our normal ho-hum visit with Dr. Bosse, who has absolutely no bedside manner and frankly doesn't have the time to spend with patients like he should. I will grant him the fact that he is one of the most respected trauma surgeons in the region. But still, we deserve a little more than the average "break your leg" patient. Scott was able to catch his attention for 30 seconds and mention the fact that he really wanted to go to Boston and help those victims with similar injuries. You have to know Dr. Bosse to get the full effect of his demeanor but he told Scott that he was a part of starting a new survivor group at the hospital and the head of the project was there. Out the room he went with "I'll see you in 3 months." And there we were, stuck with our case manager. She is a story in herself. I could talk for days about this woman. Absolutely the most unproductive, thorn in my side person I have ever met. So fricking nosy but yet does nothing to help us make progress. I have to keep in mind that she is not our advocate but is one for the insurance company.

Okay, got side tracked.  Carolinas Medical Center is trying to launch a new program for trauma survivors who can be trained to aid patients who are in trauma. It's called the Trauma Survivor Network. Once we got back to Charlotte after our stay in Camden, Scott had a visitior. I'm pretty sure it was within the first few days of us getting back home. His name is Chris James. He was injured several years ago at the dirt track in Charlotte. He was hit by his own brother and lost both of his legs. It's much more powerful to hear Scott tell the story, but when he walked into that hospital room on two prosthetics, he was a God send. Scott was at an extremely low point. He felt like he would never walk again, but to see Chris come in there and tell him it was going to be okay and it was up to him to decide his future..that was a turning point for sure. Chris even addressed me and answered a lot of my questions about his wife and kids and how they handled it. I was a little overwhelmed when he literally took his leg off and let us see how easy it was.

We went to the first meeting for the Trauma Survivors Network on Tuesday night. I was totally unprepared for the stories that I would hear.  There were 12 people there not including me, the director or her assistant. I remember every single one of there names and every single one their stories. All week long I pumped Scott up with "Yeah lets do this, we can help people like us, we can make a difference.'" I had it all planned out what I would say. I wanted to be the backbone for other wives who are living this. Until it was his turn to tell his story. I realized at that moment that I was not ready to deal with any of this publicly. I froze. He was the fourth person in line to introduce himself and tell his story. The anticipation drove me nuts. I could feel myself getting hotter, I was sweating through my clothes and the walls were caving in all around me. I tried to focus on everyone's story but their story was our story. They had been through all of it just like us. My anxiety was through the roof. I wanted to run. I tried so hard to not cry. I wanted so bad to be strong for those that were there and especially for Scott.

When Scott was done talking, Ilene looked at me and thanked me for being there as a spouse, because I was the only one, and asked if I wanted to talk. I could barely mutter "Not today". I was so disappointed in my weakness. I have the opportunity to help someone else and can't get it together for a 30 second introduction? I just couldn't do it. Pisses me off to no end. It makes me so angry that I cannot pull myself together and help someone else. And yet I have this desperate need to be strong and do this!! I can do this, I hope. Wives and mothers like me, need me to tell them that its going to be okay, that they can do this.

In the grand scheme of things, I can look back and see the reasons why this has happened to us. Looking at the big picture, I totally understand why my husband has been chosen.

4/5/2013

The second racing season since Scott's accident is upon us. A nauseating feeling for me in several ways. I cannot stand watching him suffer emotionally again and again. Although the majority of the physical pains are gone, there is no prescription on the planet to make the mental and the emotional pains go away. He says nothing is wrong and it's not us but something is eating him alive. He doesn't want to talk about it. All he ever wanted to do was be a mechanic on a dirt race team, travel the country, succeed and win. He finally had the opportunity to do all of that. And in a few short months, actually had the racing world by the balls. He waited twenty years for it, took it, did it, then lost it thanks to some freak accident.

I think he feels like he has let his employer down by not being able to do the job that he signed up for. He's crippled by the fact, emotionally, that things will never be the same. He does his best by putting his knowledge and skills to use, but it's not the same as being physically able to do the job. Back in the day, if you messed with his driver or wrecked his car, the battle was on!! Tires, wrenches, shocks, jacks..anything that wasn't nailed to the trailer went flying. Along with a lot of fists!! Frankly, I don't miss those days at all. He can be an extremely intimidating person when you cross him. I am pretty sure he is stilled barred from a few dirt tracks in Michigan. One good thing about dirt racing, and being a part of it, is after the chest bumping and the name calling, you give the guy a beer and bench race til the wee hours of the morning over a bonfire.

I really hate the fact that my son is no different than his father. So into the whole racing thing. Gotta be there, gotta be involved. It drives me nuts. And ask my daughter, she would probably rather be at a racetrack than doing girl things when the opportunity arises. I just don't get it. Especially now, I could care less about the whole thing. Racing has changed my life forever. Racing changed my life twenty some years ago when I realized Scott would rather snuggle up to four wheels and two wings than me. Yes, I am extremely bitter. Especially on days like today, when my husband lays in bed all day and I have to beg for him to come downstairs.

Matthew moved out months ago, which has not been easy for me. I felt like I lost my "go to guy". He has moved back in temporarily only to leave again to another city in a few weeks. I never realized how much I relied on him. It's the stupid stuff, like weed whipping and taking out the trash. Since he's been back home, I also realized how he hasn't dealt with things either. We were out to dinner the other night and yes I was a little more emotional than normal because Morgan was at the beach for Spring Break (that of which I did NOT approve) and I asked Matt if he had seen the horrible incident with Kevin Ware. He was the college basketball player who broke his leg. He responded with "I have seen it once before, why would I want to see it again?" It took me a minute to process what he was saying. He changed the subject and I proceeded to cry, right there at the nice little Mexican restaurant. I tried to keep it together but it hit me really hard.

I guess I never realized, or if I did didn't focus on it, the trauma that Matt has suffered. Last night he told me a story of how he was fist to cuffs with his friend over what had happened. His "friend" told him he was sick of hearing about his dad and that nobody cared about it. Granted they were drinking but still what an insensitive prick!! Don't judge us and don't pretend like you know what we go through everyday.

The absolute most difficult thing is constantly trying to explain to our kids that it's not them. It really isn't. Morgan especially takes everything to heart. She has the "fight or flight" reaction like her father. And if he is having a bad day, she chooses to flight. And I don't blame her one bit. Some days, I wished I could walk away. But I love my husband, my family and my life way too much to give it up.

I understand that this is a test and I am a really good test-taker, so bring it.......I got this.