11/18/12- Reading my last blog made me look a bumbling idiot!! I have realized that I should not wait so long in between writing. There are a plethora of emotions that occur on a daily basis in this household. When I read what I have written, I realize that I am trying to pack a million things into one post to keep everyone up to date and that's impossible. One item I  put on my Christmas list was a voice recorder. I could be getting ready for work, or in the shower or folding laundry or mowing the lawn and think of something I really want to say. But at the end of the day, those thoughts and emotions crash into one blurry mess. My daily life is exhausting to say the least. Tired with a capital T, doesn't even touch the surface.

I made the decision to go back to work this summer. After spending several months at home as a caregiver, nurse, wife and mother, it really wasn't what I wanted. Although I am proud of myself for stepping up to the plate and providing care (extraordinary care, if I do say so myself) to Scott and tried to be the "PTA" mom that I thought my kids wanted, I was miserable. After all, the whole purpose of moving to North Carolina was to benefit everyone, not just Scott and his career. I seen moving to a larger city as a chance at bigger, better and more profitable opportunities for everyone in my family.

I am a self taught guru in business, mainly in the dental world. I don't mind tooting my horn on this one and I am pretty sure I have several dentists who will back me on this. I have taken my 20 years of experience and made myself an employee that dental offices cannot afford NOT to have. I know I can make it happen in any town.

In May, I went to over 20 dental offices. I dropped my resume off, gave my spiel and hoped someone would call, even if it was temporary or fill in. I was still working from home for the dental office I was originally hired at but knew that it was not the place for me. I am still to this day grateful for the chance they gave me and the opportunity to work from home while I took care of Scott, but I knew deep down they were not the right fit for me. Days went by and no calls. Weeks went by and nothing. My hopes lingered when months went by. I started to convince myself that maybe this was my destiny. To be at home, take care of Scott and the kids. I almost felt like maybe this was God's way of saying that Scott would never get better and I would have to be there to care for him.

When my phone finally rang and the person on the other end wanted to interview me, I was ecstatic. It all happened so quickly. The phone interview led to a personal interview that led to a working interview. All within a matter of days. They were almost willing to pay my asking wage and I was so desperate to have my life back it probably wouldn't have mattered what the offer was. Luckily for me, it was a satisfactory offer.   It's actually comical that the day the business manager from the other office called to tell me they had found someone to do my job in house, was the day I was hired at another office. I should say, within a matter of minutes.

 Ironic how life works sometimes. Ironic, indeed. But after the excitement of a new career opportunity, I realized that I had been fired. Fired? What? Are you serious? You called to fire me? I have never in all my years been fired from anything. Let alone some stupid job. I was devastated. How dare they fire me? I empowered that practice to rebuild itself from devastation and made them more profit in the 6 months that I was there than they had seen in years. Fired? Fired. So happy and yet so angry all within a matter of minutes. Seems to be the daily course of emotions these days.

I struggle everyday with the decision to go back to work. And it doesn't help that I get the feeling that my family doesn't support that decision. But honestly, who is benefiting from me not working? I surely was not happy being a housewife or anything near that. I cannot and will not do that. I don't know how. I don't know how to be successful at that. I had never done it until this year and apparantly failed misearably at it. I guess it's not my nature. It never has been and probably never will be. I only took 4 weeks of maternity leave when my children were born. I know that work and money aren't everything, but for me, it's all that I am good at. I have not succeeded in any other aspect of  my life other than my career.  I need my own personal success and having a clean house, all the laundry done, dinner on the table and chauffeuring kids is not who I am.

Like my Dad always said, "You work hard and you're house isn't dirty, it's lived in." And I am okay with that.