10/18/2015

 

Four years, 2 months and 7 days since Scott’s accident. We plug along every day and try not to dwell on the past and move forward. Try to forget what’s happened and look toward tomorrow. Unsettled is how feel tonight. And I cannot shake it. Something happened to me tonight. It is so stupid and so insignificant to most people. The fact that something so inanimate and something so not important would trigger a memory that I thought I forgot.

I spent that night at the hospital praying and hoping that Scott would live through the night. It’s funny that I don’t remember the time of day or the day, for that matter.  It seemed like it had been days before I had a shower or a hot meal. At some point, I don’t remember how the actual connection came about, we were invited to the Ronald McDonald house across the street. I remember a woman coming up to us and handing me a ticket with access to the charitable housing. I was so grateful to her.

She walked us across the street and gave me specific instructions. Because we were in Camden, NJ, security was tight. You had to be buzzed in and if you weren’t on the list, you didn’t have access and would not be let in. I was nervous but appreciative for the opportunity to have a place to stay.

At some point, and I can’t remember where, Matt and Doug had ordered sub sandwiches to eat. I don’t think I realized at that moment the pain that they were in and probably never will. It’s just something we don’t talk about. And why would we, I mean the past is the past, can’t change it. But maybe I should. We made our way through the Ronald house to our room. I’m from a small town in Michigan and I can say that once I was buzzed in, I had never seen anything like it. Of course, I had ever seen anything like Camden other than on tv.

To the right was a kitchen, with at least 6 refrigerators. To the left was a sitting area, which actually was really nice. Straight ahead was a corridor to the elevators. At the end of the hall and to somewhat to the right were rooms that people were staying in. I remember seeing a young couple with a baby and I wondered what their story was, prayed for them that it was nothing serious.

I couldn’t wait to get a hot shower. Hadn’t had one in days. The boys were chilling, eating their subs and trying to be supportive. I locked myself in the bathroom in hopes of having a hot shower and any resemblance of home, comfort and safety. I walked into the bathroom and saw brand new towels. They were royal blue. VO 5 shampoo in the shower, Lever soap and Crest toothpaste. I was honestly impressed with everything in the bathroom. It was clean. And keep in mind that all of the items at these houses are donated by generous people who either have been through it or just care enough to help out.

I remember crying through the entire shower and wishing for enough water pressure to take all of it away. I knew the boys needed to shower too and all I wanted was to get back to the hospital and be with Scott. I opened the curtain and grabbed that royal blue towel and wiped all the water away. I dried myself off and saw the royal blue lint all over my body. I couldn’t get it off. But I had more important things to do and hurried myself and told the boys to do the same. 

Well, what happened to me tonight was a flashback of that day. Which is absolutely ridiculous, it’s been four years for God’s sakes. It’s time to move on. But it triggered something in me tonight that I just can’t shake. Finally, we have our own place and we are making it ours. From top to bottom. Every fixture, every light switch, room by room, plant by plant. Bought new towels this weekend to match the whole ensemble in the master bathroom gray and royal blue.  Worked my little ass off today and couldn’t wait to get a hot shower. Used my new towels for the first time tonight.

 

Royal blue lint all over my body…..