4/5/2013

The second racing season since Scott's accident is upon us. A nauseating feeling for me in several ways. I cannot stand watching him suffer emotionally again and again. Although the majority of the physical pains are gone, there is no prescription on the planet to make the mental and the emotional pains go away. He says nothing is wrong and it's not us but something is eating him alive. He doesn't want to talk about it. All he ever wanted to do was be a mechanic on a dirt race team, travel the country, succeed and win. He finally had the opportunity to do all of that. And in a few short months, actually had the racing world by the balls. He waited twenty years for it, took it, did it, then lost it thanks to some freak accident.

I think he feels like he has let his employer down by not being able to do the job that he signed up for. He's crippled by the fact, emotionally, that things will never be the same. He does his best by putting his knowledge and skills to use, but it's not the same as being physically able to do the job. Back in the day, if you messed with his driver or wrecked his car, the battle was on!! Tires, wrenches, shocks, jacks..anything that wasn't nailed to the trailer went flying. Along with a lot of fists!! Frankly, I don't miss those days at all. He can be an extremely intimidating person when you cross him. I am pretty sure he is stilled barred from a few dirt tracks in Michigan. One good thing about dirt racing, and being a part of it, is after the chest bumping and the name calling, you give the guy a beer and bench race til the wee hours of the morning over a bonfire.

I really hate the fact that my son is no different than his father. So into the whole racing thing. Gotta be there, gotta be involved. It drives me nuts. And ask my daughter, she would probably rather be at a racetrack than doing girl things when the opportunity arises. I just don't get it. Especially now, I could care less about the whole thing. Racing has changed my life forever. Racing changed my life twenty some years ago when I realized Scott would rather snuggle up to four wheels and two wings than me. Yes, I am extremely bitter. Especially on days like today, when my husband lays in bed all day and I have to beg for him to come downstairs.

Matthew moved out months ago, which has not been easy for me. I felt like I lost my "go to guy". He has moved back in temporarily only to leave again to another city in a few weeks. I never realized how much I relied on him. It's the stupid stuff, like weed whipping and taking out the trash. Since he's been back home, I also realized how he hasn't dealt with things either. We were out to dinner the other night and yes I was a little more emotional than normal because Morgan was at the beach for Spring Break (that of which I did NOT approve) and I asked Matt if he had seen the horrible incident with Kevin Ware. He was the college basketball player who broke his leg. He responded with "I have seen it once before, why would I want to see it again?" It took me a minute to process what he was saying. He changed the subject and I proceeded to cry, right there at the nice little Mexican restaurant. I tried to keep it together but it hit me really hard.

I guess I never realized, or if I did didn't focus on it, the trauma that Matt has suffered. Last night he told me a story of how he was fist to cuffs with his friend over what had happened. His "friend" told him he was sick of hearing about his dad and that nobody cared about it. Granted they were drinking but still what an insensitive prick!! Don't judge us and don't pretend like you know what we go through everyday.

The absolute most difficult thing is constantly trying to explain to our kids that it's not them. It really isn't. Morgan especially takes everything to heart. She has the "fight or flight" reaction like her father. And if he is having a bad day, she chooses to flight. And I don't blame her one bit. Some days, I wished I could walk away. But I love my husband, my family and my life way too much to give it up.

I understand that this is a test and I am a really good test-taker, so bring it.......I got this.