4/26/13-Just when I thought I was ready for this, I realized I was no where near being ready for any of it. We had a follow up appointment on Monday with the orthopaedic surgeon. It was odd that it was rescheduled from the 11th til that day. (that number 11 is also on my shoulder) But in all reality it turned out to be a blessing in disguise. We had our normal ho-hum visit with Dr. Bosse, who has absolutely no bedside manner and frankly doesn't have the time to spend with patients like he should. I will grant him the fact that he is one of the most respected trauma surgeons in the region. But still, we deserve a little more than the average "break your leg" patient. Scott was able to catch his attention for 30 seconds and mention the fact that he really wanted to go to Boston and help those victims with similar injuries. You have to know Dr. Bosse to get the full effect of his demeanor but he told Scott that he was a part of starting a new survivor group at the hospital and the head of the project was there. Out the room he went with "I'll see you in 3 months." And there we were, stuck with our case manager. She is a story in herself. I could talk for days about this woman. Absolutely the most unproductive, thorn in my side person I have ever met. So fricking nosy but yet does nothing to help us make progress. I have to keep in mind that she is not our advocate but is one for the insurance company.

Okay, got side tracked.  Carolinas Medical Center is trying to launch a new program for trauma survivors who can be trained to aid patients who are in trauma. It's called the Trauma Survivor Network. Once we got back to Charlotte after our stay in Camden, Scott had a visitior. I'm pretty sure it was within the first few days of us getting back home. His name is Chris James. He was injured several years ago at the dirt track in Charlotte. He was hit by his own brother and lost both of his legs. It's much more powerful to hear Scott tell the story, but when he walked into that hospital room on two prosthetics, he was a God send. Scott was at an extremely low point. He felt like he would never walk again, but to see Chris come in there and tell him it was going to be okay and it was up to him to decide his future..that was a turning point for sure. Chris even addressed me and answered a lot of my questions about his wife and kids and how they handled it. I was a little overwhelmed when he literally took his leg off and let us see how easy it was.

We went to the first meeting for the Trauma Survivors Network on Tuesday night. I was totally unprepared for the stories that I would hear.  There were 12 people there not including me, the director or her assistant. I remember every single one of there names and every single one their stories. All week long I pumped Scott up with "Yeah lets do this, we can help people like us, we can make a difference.'" I had it all planned out what I would say. I wanted to be the backbone for other wives who are living this. Until it was his turn to tell his story. I realized at that moment that I was not ready to deal with any of this publicly. I froze. He was the fourth person in line to introduce himself and tell his story. The anticipation drove me nuts. I could feel myself getting hotter, I was sweating through my clothes and the walls were caving in all around me. I tried to focus on everyone's story but their story was our story. They had been through all of it just like us. My anxiety was through the roof. I wanted to run. I tried so hard to not cry. I wanted so bad to be strong for those that were there and especially for Scott.

When Scott was done talking, Ilene looked at me and thanked me for being there as a spouse, because I was the only one, and asked if I wanted to talk. I could barely mutter "Not today". I was so disappointed in my weakness. I have the opportunity to help someone else and can't get it together for a 30 second introduction? I just couldn't do it. Pisses me off to no end. It makes me so angry that I cannot pull myself together and help someone else. And yet I have this desperate need to be strong and do this!! I can do this, I hope. Wives and mothers like me, need me to tell them that its going to be okay, that they can do this.

In the grand scheme of things, I can look back and see the reasons why this has happened to us. Looking at the big picture, I totally understand why my husband has been chosen.