6/25/2012-To be honest, I have had a really rotten day. No explanation, no reason, nothing out of the ordinary happened. I just don’t feel good. Not physically, but mentally. I am so tired I feel like I could sleep until next week. Or never wake up at all. I get so exhausted from doing nothing. It’s really weird. How can doing nothing, going no where make you so damn tired? I took a nap this afternoon, I never take naps. I hate taking naps. Taking naps is for people with have nothing better to do or people who are sick, or babies. I have tons to do. But nothing appealed to me today.
I took Scott to his next level of physical therapy today. The 40th session of out-patient rehab. He did really well. He walked himself into the rehabilitation center, did what was asked of him, walked out and never complained a lick. I know he is excited to start the next chapter of his recovery and so am I. He deserves this freedom. He wants to be independent and do things for himself. He wants to walk, he wants to work again, he wants to be able to take his family on the annual camping adventures that we have taken every year since the kids were babies.
Before we left for our mini vacation back to Michigan, we had a robin’s nest right outside of our kitchen window. We had been watching them every day, their behavior, how they built their nest and who’s turn it was to sit on the eggs. When we got back home after nine days, we had three baby birds. Again, we watched daily as the parents flew in hundreds of times a day feeding the babies. Every day they got bigger and stronger. It was amazing how fast they grew and developed. More importantly, it was amazing watching the parents and how they cared for their babies. Yesterday, the first baby took his first steps way up in the tree, then the second flew to the ground and the third one followed. I was scared to death for them. They were not ready to be on their own yet. Especially after the hawk that had flown into the tree the day before with intentions to steal one.
I had some friends over for dinner Saturday and that’s when I realized how desperate my daughter is to leave. Both of my friends, Matthew and Sara, are college educated, highly successful people and Morgan picked their brains until after midnight. She asked them everything about college life, about sororities, collegiate sports, career opportunities and finances. Morgan is extremely intelligent, motivated and thinks of every angle. But the only thing that stuck in my mind was how much she couldn’t wait to “get out of here”. She was asking serious, legitimate questions and they had a full blown conversation on college life, what she could expect, what she should look for in an institute. They discussed her career goals, who and what she wanted to be and what she wanted to do with her life. She asked for their advice on what avenue she should pursue to accomplish her goals.
After typing this, I realized that maybe I am having a little episode of the “Empty Nest Syndrome”. What’s going to happen to me when everyone is gone? I pretty much gave up my career, I have no hobbies. I don’t work out. I have very few friends here. I have never in my life, since being of working age, have not worked. I am not a good mother. I am not a good wife. I don’t know how to be. All I know is to work and provide for myself and my family. I have spent the last nine months caring for my family exclusively. I have never not contributed financially. That is something that I have never, never done. I paid others to care for my children while I worked. My husband had his own profession and his own hobbies which typically didn’t include me. If they did, I didn’t want to be a part of it. Or maybe it’s just because I am turning 40 this year. I don’t think that my turning forty is the real issue.
But it works as an excuse for others, so I am going to go with that for now. Midlife crisis perhaps? Tomorrow is a new day….
Sometimes even the tallest, strongest oak trees sway in the wind. They lose leaves and a branch or two, but remains steadfast in the end. No one is perfect but I bet if you ask around your house, you may find people that think you are damn close.
ReplyDeleteAlways remember, you do know how to be a good mother. Your son is drive successful, and happy. He can be on his own and not need someone to care for him, he can do it himself. I know many young men that cannot accomplish this. Your daughter is strong and confident; she knows what she wants in life. She has goals and that doesn't just happen, kids learn by example and believe you me, they have two of the best examples anyone could ask for. You have both shown them that a day’s work is not an option; it is a necessity to be a good standing member in society, to fulfill something in themselves. You have taken care of a home and them without question; you just did it without thinking about it. They have also been there and watched as you have stood through something that many could never handle pushing through the adversity and struggling, yet you have remained strong and determined. Then there is my amazing and courageous cousin Skip. He has shown them that even in the worst situations you cannot give up no matter how easy it would be. That is not even an option. You cannot let anything stop you from living your dreams and definitely not let whatever tries to get in the way stop you.
As for the not knowing how to be a good wife, I bet if you ask Scott, he will tell you different. Not many women can just let someone live their dream even if it means putting yours on hold. You have dropped it all to be his rock when he needed it. Honestly, I don't remember a day in all of our lives that he has not wanted to wrench on race cars. His passion for racing is so strong it is awe inspiring. Now he has had the ability to live his dream, which was made possible with your support and encouragement. I am sure one day he may have gotten there on his own, but you gave him the support he needed to make it happen now. Never doubt your ability to be everything to someone, because believe this, you are everything and then some to Matt, Morgan and Scott.
I can only hope our kids are as goal driven and happy as yours are when they get to that age. You have done an amazing job.
I guarantee, your courage to write this blog and share your innermost feelings have been a great inspiration to those reading it. I know I take lessons from it every time I read it. You make a difference to many. So again today, when I take a moment to thank God for to things in my life, you will be mentioned again, for being an amazing mom, wife and role model of how a strong woman should be in general. <3